Say something or don't say anything at all!

I don't know why I feel so sad today... I was getting over things for a few weeks, wasn't thinking about her and didn't have the time to either. Today, however, I feel heartbroken. Last weekend, I started to miss her again and I hadn't really missed her in a few weeks. Last weekend though, I just wanted, needed a hug. Sunday evening I was looking at a tv show that we used to watch together and I thought of her. Sunday night, I was lying in bed thinking about her and my phone went off... You know when you just know who it's going to be that texted you? Yeah, I was right... "Hi" ... yes, that was the entire contents of the text message. "Hi" ... no, not even any punctuation! FUCK OFF! What a f*cking mind-fuck. Leave me alone if that is all you have to say to me. If you cared about me you'd either say something meaningful or you'd leave me alone. Let me be free. What's the point of contacting me now... Someone thought you'd started to regret your decision, change your mind, have second thoughts... Someone else thought that you were trying to initiate the contact again.. either way, grow a pair! Say something or don't say anything at all! Typical, that you would try to get me to make the effort, even now... was it always like that?!? God, I must have been such a sucker if that was the case. Don't put yourself out there at all... coward. Selfish, immature, empty, cold, hi. That irritated me and then I didn't miss you any more. This weekend though I find myself thinking about you again... Was it the hi? Is that all it took to put you back in my mind, a hi? I missed you Friday night, I missed you yesterday, I miss you now... 

Quote - No other place than right here

"The rose-colored lens of nostalgia might make you miss the life you used to have, but after closer inspection you should come to the conclusion that there is no other place where you would rather be than right here."

I miss her tonight...

Yeah, I do. This morning I woke up at 4.58am. I couldn't go back to sleep and when I eventually got out of bed for work, I nearly got sick again... dry retching. "Dry retching is fairly common with anxious people." Why am I anxious? I just want to be able to sleep properly again. Sleep is one of my favourite things. 

Tonight I feel sad and empty and lonely... I just want to be able to cuddle up with her in bed the way we used to. She brought me peace. Yet I know that it wouldn't feel the same, couldn't feel the same now. We can't go back to then. That peace was short-lived and I can't think of it positively because now I doubt it. Now I doubt it all. I want to talk to her yet I know that I won't allow myself to. Everytime I feel tempted to pick up the phone I just think of the day that we broke up and what she meant when she said that she was contacting other people more than she should of been and not telling me... Or when she told me that she knew that she was fucking me around. That's great, thanks for that. I couldn't trust her but she gave me reason not to.