I wrote a post a while back about a group of people that I had noticed on the gay scene in Dublin - they seem quite cool. But what do I really know about them as I'm looking from afar? I imagine that they would be the kind of group that I wish I had of gotten to know when I first came out on the scene years ago. Anyway, I don't know any of them and they weren't the people that I started hanging around with.
The people that I did start hanging around with are another story altogether. I made the decision to break away from that group and one person in particular over three years ago. Three years... you would think that any hard feelings, grudges, resentment, bitterness, hatred, feeling of rejection... whatever... would be long gone and over and done with. No.
What do I really think about the gay scene in Dublin and about many of these groups?
Frankly, I think it's fairly shit. A shit place with a lot of shit people. You have to be part of a group or you're an outsider. So much for a community. So you become part of a group because you're gay and you're human and you're new to this. In my case I was quite young, bright eyed and bushy tailed and very naive. It's only natural to want to have contact with other like-minded people right? That was my first mistake. I thought that we had things in common. We did - we were all gay but the similarities ended there for the most part.
I'll never forget my first impression of Carolyn. One of her gay boy fans was saying to me that I looked like a model from a poster in a shop they had been in earlier that day, she quickly scowled at him, looked at me and sneered 'no she doesn't'. First impressions count right? Well why didn't I do what I was thinking then. Acknowledge that this was a down-right rude put-down from her to me, whom she had only met 30 seconds ago and move on with my life? No. Instead I laughed it off and put up with that kind of crap for a few years. Over that time she turned on a few other people in the group. They had no chance. Bullied and ostracized. Now, I look back and feel ashamed that I stood by and let it happen. What could I have done? Then when it came to other friends, she'd act all cool around them but bitch viciously about them behind their backs. And then for her girlfriends, well that's another story. I'd try to avoid an argument and let her away with things. She did have some re-deeming qualities. And she did have a special set of circumstances after-all, which she reminded everyone around her about on a regular basis. But when does enough become enough? When is someone's behavior unacceptable regardless of their circumstances?
I think I was scared for a long time - weak, worried, lonely and scared. She'd treat people mean to keep them keen and it worked. But if you went against her you were in for it and hell hath no fury than a gay bitch enraged! If I wasn't friends with her then who would I hang around with on the gay scene? I needed people. I needed to be part of a group. That's what happens if you're lonely or weak in any way, you get in with the wrong crowd and they pick on your vulnerabilities. But I was being held back. I was being controlled. And there's nothing more that I like than my freedom.
She would criticise my fashion choices and then be wearing those same items the following month. She would criticise who I dated, yet since we're no longer friends, she has become their Facebook friend and goes out of her way to talk to them if I'm ever in eye shot. She even came on to one of them. She has manipulated people and twisted things that I have said to make me look like the bitch and she has lied. Mutual people that we hung around with I now realise never really were friends of mine in the first place. They either got involved when they shouldn't have or they believed the awful things she said. They are weak too or maybe just lazy. Or maybe, that is what you need to be like in order to survive in these groups. I took the opinion that I wanted nothing to do with her and that was that. I wouldn't talk about her to other people, I wouldn't bring up the situation with anyone we mutually knew and although I had no time for her anymore I wasn't going to wish any ill on her. I figured that the people that know me will know that I wouldn't have said those things and I wasn't like that. And I figured that the truth would come out in the end and she would be shown up for her true colors. I was just going to move on.
I moved on and I'm a lot happier. I don't let people get away with putting me or other people down in front of me now and if I have a bad first impression or an instinct that someone is not good for me, I stay well clear. I wish I had of been stronger when I was younger but I'm glad that I learned to be stronger from experience. She can shout 'fucking cunt' at me all she likes in a night club. It's obnoxious, it shows that she has no class and is quite the bully. She hasn't changed. It confirmed to me what she is like, what she always was like and what she will probably always be like. I made the right decision to get away from that toxicity. If anything that little incident made me realise how done with the gay scene I truly am and the drama that goes on in it. Friendships on the gay scene? It really depends on your definition of friendship. I don't need that. I'm lucky. I love a few people - my family, my friends and my girlfriend. And I love myself. I don't need a group.
I used to think that these cliquey groups were something unique to school or college. As adults, why do some people still maintain these social structures? Each to their own but things change, circumstances change and people should be given the space and time to grow. I don't have a huge group of friends but I'm free. If something bad happens to me, I have to go through a difficult time or say my relationship breaks down (it did once already) I won't have a group to go to and cry on their shoulders about... But I don't need that. My experience of that group being there for me in the past was this - My last relationship ended when my girlfriend at that time cheated on me. My friends in this group didn't help the situation one bit. They made it worse. Rather than deal with the situation on my own and get over it as quickly as I should have, I got dragged into a dramatic group vs. group situation between me and my ex. I was encouraged to bitch about my ex with them, drink away the problem and use someone else to have a fling with in order to get over the whole thing. I didn't do that but that was what was expected of me in the group. And similarly, if any of them were going through something then I was expected to be there for them by bitching about the person that they felt hard done by in return. What a miserable existence. My advice to anyone going through any difficult emotional circumstance is to look to yourself. Sure, talk about things if you need to, it's good to talk. But be very careful whom you talk to. Try reserve any emotional talks with family or very close and true friends. Don't talk to a group or allow them to get involved. Be strong.
We are all human. We all experience hurt, disappointment and pain. But it's how we deal with this that makes us who we are. Look to yourself first and foremost, you can count on yourself and you'll need to time and time again.
- I know this is quite a serious post and I probably come off a bit 'on my high pedestal' but this has gotten to me a bit lately. Three years on I shouldn't care about what these people say or do. It's not pleasant to be ganged up on though or to have someone try to intimidate you. I was questioning myself and doubting myself because of the way that I had been treated recently. Sometimes, you just need to put the questions away - who knows why people are nasty sometimes, you need to tell yourself that the problem lies with them, not you - and appreciate the good people in your life and then get on with it.
