Hot and Cold? Break-up song part deux

"You change your mind
Like a girl changes clothes
Yeah, you PMS like a bitch
I would know

And you always think
Always speak cryptically
I should know
That you're no good for me"

....

"We used to be just like twins, so in sync
The same energy now's a dead battery
Used to laugh 'bout nothing
Now you're plain boring
I should know
That you're not gonna change"

Quote - No other place than right here

"The rose-colored lens of nostalgia might make you miss the life you used to have, but after closer inspection you should come to the conclusion that there is no other place where you would rather be than right here."

Four posts in less than an hour... I'm on a roll!

Why can't I get this motivated about my non-anonymous, work-related blog? I guess this is my therapy right now... my outlet... it eases the pain and gives me a voice that can't be heard elsewhere... gives me the words that I can't express outside. 

How are my legs moving?

I don't know where the strength comes from sometimes... When I was in Italy three years ago (getting over another ex), I swam all the way out to that buoy just to prove to myself that I could do it. When I reached it and looked back to the shore I didn't know how I was going to make it back, it was a lot further out that I had originally thought. I made it back. Where did I get that strength? Why am I always heartbroken in Italy? When me & J broke up my legs kept moving and I was able to walk away. It was as if they were separate to my body, had a mind of their own and just kept going... inside I didn't feel strong.

Pink was her favourite colour

I just randomly thought of how it's kinda ironic that my break-up song for J is by Pink (So What?) and I used to always slag her off about Pink being her favourite colour... pink eye-shadow, bathrobe, pyjamas, slippers, jumper... Random. 

Breaking up is hard to do but at least the music's playing...

“Without music, life would be a mistake.... I would only believe in a God who knew how to dance.” - Friedrich Nietzsche.

Some of my break-up songs, in no particular order...

Pink - So What?

Kelly Clarkson - Since You Been Gone.

St. Etienne - Only Love Can Break Your Heart.

Aimee Mann - Going Through the Motions.
Aimee Mann - That's How I Knew This Story Would Break My Heart.

Michelle Branch - A Million Miles.

Placebo - Song To Say Goodbye.

Joseph Arthur - In the Sun.

Coldplay - The Scientist.

Coldplay - Square One.

Coldplay - Fix You.

Red Hot Chili Peppers - By the Way.

Mylo - Emotion 98.6.

Hard-Fi - Better do Better.

Nickelback - You Remind Me.

Scissor Sisters - It Cant Come Quickly Enough.

Kelly Clarkson - Behind These Hazel Eyes.

Incubus - Are You In?

The Calling - Wherever You Will Go.

Editors - All Sparks.

Day One - Bedroom Dancing.

Counting Crows - Colourblind.

White Town - Your Woman.

Jack Johnson - Sitting, Waiting, Wishing...

Cardigans - My Favourite Game.

Massive Attack - Live With Me.

Alison Krauss & Union Station - It Doesn't Matter.

Sheryl Crowe - Anything but Down.

Snow Patrol - Run.

Kylie - Can't Get You Out Of My Head.

Kelis - I Hate You So Much Right Now.

Pink - U + Ur Hand.

Sugababes - Too Lost in You.

Texas - What About Us.

Kaiser Chiefs - Everyday I Love You Less And Less.

Faking it?

Intimacy, that is.

I keep thinking back over that conversation we had on our first 'official' date. We'd just come out of the cinema and we were flirting with each other. Then we had that conversation in Eddie Rockets (while drinking tea on a Sunday night at 1am). I hadn't even wanted to really meet you again and I felt like what's the point going into town that night in the cold January rain. But I got ready and went in anyway... what's the harm, you seemed like a nice girl, we seemed to have things in common and it seemed like it was a good idea to get to know you better and give it a chance. But it was the conversation in Eddie Rockets that made me want to see you again. You know, one of those conversations where you feel like yeah, we clicked, we're on the same page. So we laughed, we shared and I wanted to get to know you even better. That conversation made me want to see you again. It's funny though, that some of the precise things we talked about that night are some of the reasons why we split up in the end, don't you think? Do you have to fake it in order to make it or are you better off alone?

Sometimes no matter how much it hurts, it's better to be alone than to fake it. At the end of the day, if you are in a bad relationship, you are alone anyway. And as my father has always said, you're better off on your own than in a bad one.

The day that we split up I said "I know this isn't perfect but it's real." Was it? I doubt myself now... Do I doubt that because it wasn't real or do I doubt that because you weren't really in it? Or do I doubt that because maybe I wasn't fully in it too? Why didn't I know that at the time?  Why don't I know now? What I do know is that I felt pretty miserable the past few months in our relationship and if I went back I'd only be going back for more of the same, probably worse... I felt insecure, I felt uncomfortable, I felt like I couldn't talk to you anymore and you had completely closed off from me. I felt needy, I felt like I needed to see you nearly all of our spare time, I felt on edge, I felt like I was waiting to be disappointed, I knew that you were lying to me and that you weren't really being open or up-front with me. So I stopped calling you on your shit to try and avoid another row... Why should someone have to call you on your shit in the first place? You liked that about me when we first met... I felt like you resented me towards the end. There were so many things that I wanted to tell you that I couldn't. There still are but what's the point now. Were we really just faking it?

I miss her tonight...

Yeah, I do. This morning I woke up at 4.58am. I couldn't go back to sleep and when I eventually got out of bed for work, I nearly got sick again... dry retching. "Dry retching is fairly common with anxious people." Why am I anxious? I just want to be able to sleep properly again. Sleep is one of my favourite things. 

Tonight I feel sad and empty and lonely... I just want to be able to cuddle up with her in bed the way we used to. She brought me peace. Yet I know that it wouldn't feel the same, couldn't feel the same now. We can't go back to then. That peace was short-lived and I can't think of it positively because now I doubt it. Now I doubt it all. I want to talk to her yet I know that I won't allow myself to. Everytime I feel tempted to pick up the phone I just think of the day that we broke up and what she meant when she said that she was contacting other people more than she should of been and not telling me... Or when she told me that she knew that she was fucking me around. That's great, thanks for that. I couldn't trust her but she gave me reason not to.

Anger is the most necessary emotion?

J texted me today. I woke up at maybe 6 or 7 am... it was still dark and I've been waking up so early the past 2 weeks. I've stopped checking the time to see how early... 6 or 7 am on a Sunday... 6 or 7am during the weekend... what happened to my lie-in? Today was different though... Today I didn't think about her as much. Today I wasn't as hurt, angry, lonely... and today I made myself not over-think or over-analyse every word, touch, action, feeling, expression... But it didn't last. 

I got up around 10.30am and brought the dogs for a walk. I got angry.

"Anger is an emotional state that may range from minor irritation to INTENSE RAGE. The physical effects of anger include increased heart rate, blood pressure, and levels of adrenaline and noradrenaline. Some view anger as part of the FIGHT or FLIGHT BRAIN RESPONSE to the PERCEIVED THREAT of PAIN. Anger becomes the PREDOMINANT FEELING behaviorally, cognitively and physiologically when a person makes the CONSCIOUS CHOICE to take action to immediately STOP the THREATENING BEHAVIOR of ANOTHER outside force."

So I shouted! My emotional state was one somewhere between minor irritation and intense rage... perhaps major irritation and minor rage? Fight or flight? Well I tried to fight but I didn't have the energy to fight for the both of us, so I flew... My brain response to the perceived threat of pain? To snap at someone else that didn't deserve it. My predominant feeling right then... pissed off. But it didn't immediately stop any threatening behavior... what did it do? It did some bad - It hurt someone else, for which I felt bad and I later apologised. And it did some good - I got something off my chest. Then I went home, I made a conscious choice to not continue being angry, I got ready to go out and then I got upset. 

I wiped away the tears and drove away, my eyeliner smudged on my face. Driving makes me feel free... I can't be angry when I'm driving. If I was angry I'd crash... If I crashed I'd hurt myself  and possibly others... I'd cause PAIN... so I calmed down. I got to where I was going and when the person that I was meeting wasn't yet there, I checked my phone... 1 new text message received. It was from her.

And what has she got to say to me? What will my reaction be? Am I happy to hear from her? Hopeful? Or just pissed off again? Why is she contacting me? Is she curious? Does she still care? Does she still want me? Or is it just for her own selfish reasons? Is it for her ego? Is it genuine? Do I even really care right now? I've already been angry and hurt so far today and it's only 1.15pm. Pah.. Her words don't really say much but did they ever? Her text message doesn't require a response so I don't reply. Would I usually do this? No... But once I can't trust someone anymore, once they have chosen deception over honesty, I put myself first and I don't care what the 'right' thing is, or the politically correct thing to do is or what other people will think... I've got nothing to prove. If I replied would that make her feel good, better, less guilty perhaps? That's not my responsibility...

I got on with my day and I had a good day, it was sunny, I like the sun. I played my game and I won. I drove home, I sat outside and read in the sun... I found some peace. I read an article about Pink! I like Pink... In the article she said that "Anger is the most necessary emotion". She thinks that, if expressed and communicated right then and there, and in the right way, anger is the most healthy feeling or action you can take. 

What does it mean that I got angry? It means that I felt something. It means that there was passion there, at least on my part. Did I hurt anyone by being angry today? Yes. Did I hurt anyone terribly? No. We ended up having a good talk and they got over it. I chose not to take things out on them again. They're my support network afterall and I shouldn't blame them for anything that has happened to me.  

What exactly has happened to me?

"While most of those who experience anger explain its arousal as a result of "what has happened to them," psychologists point out that an angry person can be very well mistaken because anger causes a loss in self-monitoring capacity and objective observability."

Ok, so I experienced a temporary loss in self-monitoring capacity and objective observability. I couldn't help it. When emotions are involved, is it possible to self-monitor and observe objectively? Perhaps somewhat but this isn't exactly a science. 

"Due to humans' capacity to imagine the distant future, the threat of pain can also arise purely from the imagination, and not be based on anything happening in the immediate present."

We broke up this day two weeks ago. On that day I imagined the future... I imagined not waking up next to her anymore. I imagined not being able to talk to her when I wanted to, not being able to be there for her or her for me and having to someday see her with someone else... someone that wasn't me. Sure at the point in time that I was imagining all of these things, I was the one that had just woken up next to her but I felt that that may be the last time. I felt pain. I'm proud though, not that this is about pride... I talked to her and I cried and I got a little angry but I didn't say anything to hurt her deeply and I didn't lose it. I maintained control and after a few hours, when there was nothing left to say, she hugged me and I left. I didn't look back on the way out the door. 

"Modern psychologists view anger as a primary, natural, and mature emotion experienced by all humans at times, and as something that has functional value for survival... Uncontrolled anger can however negatively affect personal or social well-being."

In other words, I got angry enough to survive. I was necessarily angry but not uncontrollably angry. Is anger the most necessary emotion? I don't think so because that means that it is more necessary than all of the other emotions, some of which were also necessary for me today. Anger isn't the most necessary emotion but it certainly is necessary.