Why I love Cheryl

Yes, it's true... I do love Cheryl Tweedy (yes I realise that she is now Cheryl Cole but lets not go there!).

In an attempt to bring some positivity to this blog (cause it's been a bit melancholy and serious of late!), here are some of the reasons why I love Cheryl:

Her dimples

Her smile

Her honesty

Her emotion

Her eyes

Her faults (and I'll list her anger as one of them - I can relate!)

Her fieriness (see previous point - you can't have the passion without the fire!)

Her style...  she can do the dress just as easy as the baseball cap, baggy jeans and a hoody

She loves her dogs

She seems close to her family

She's ambitious

Her accent

She's charming

She seems real and kind

She seems to have a good personality

She's beautiful

She has a fantastic body

Ahh, Cheryl... thanks for cheering me up! :) If you ever decided to ditch that cheating husband (idiot!) and cross over to the lesbian side, look me up! ;)

Indifference is the greatest revenge...

In response to my last post, I should probably go on to say that I did a lot of thinking about that whole relationship this weekend... pretty much spent (wasted) my whole weekend thinking it over and over. Yes I do miss her sometimes, yes I do feel a bit heartbroken about the whole situation and yes I have been beating myself up about what I could have done to make things different or what I can do now to change things... Thing is I can't do anything to change the past and I have no control over these things... no one does actually. I wanted things to go a certain way, they didn't. I didn't really fuck things up the way that I have been thinking that I did and it's not my fault. I'm only human... so what if I was feeling a bit needy and vulnerable towards the end... everyone does at times and if you're in something that is secure and right then the other person will be there for you and not drop you at the first sign of trouble. I guess what I am saying is that I need to move on. It was rightly pointed out to me today that I am am self-indulging in this and that it's starting to hold me back. I want to be positive again and feel good about myself. I want to be able to deal with the possibility of bumping into her... whether she's with someone new or not... and for it to be ok. I want her to be happy and I really hope that she is or will be. I want to realise my full potential and not let situations or other people drag me down or hold me back. I was giving too much and expecting too little... I gave her a lot more chances than I had given other people in the past. I wasn't listening to my gut enough. I really wanted it to work... maybe I was trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. How I started this post - In response to my last post - yes, I hate that I still want her... but deep down I know that I don't still want her... I want back what we had and I want to have the same feelings for her that I had back then. But things changed and too much has been said... we wouldn't, couldn't have recovered from that, we weren't strong enough or right for each other in the long run. So although I may feel lonely sometimes or get upset thinking about something nice from the past when we were together, I still have to hold onto that - that J & I weren't right. That's what has stopped me from contacting her. I have more respect for her than to mess her around when I know now deep down we're not right for each other. I think that if you know that it's not going to go somewhere and it's not right then it's best to just leave the other person alone. If you love someone, set them free, right? That is what has stopped me from replying to her text messages. And that is what will ultimately make me move on. In the meantime, if she views my silence as rude, hurt, anger... let her. If she views it as indifference then as the saying goes, indifference is the greatest revenge...

I hate that I still want her

The title says it all...

Things I never told you

I never liked your blog... the first time I read it I nearly had a panic attack because I felt that I didn't know you at all and you were not the type of person that I wanted to be in a relationship with...

The first time I met you, I thought that you were arrogant. Well actually I did tell you that. I also thought that you were self-obsessed and not over your ex.

The last time that we were snuggled up in your bed together... the time before you went away for work for that week and I was on holidays... before we got back and broke up... Well, your phone went off twice with text messages and you had it in the pocket of your hoodie... but you didn't read either of those messages... I went downstairs to make us a cup of tea and you went to the bathroom with your phone... when we lied back down together, you had turned your phone to silent... that was such a small thing and probably so meaningless to most people but it really hurt me. You were being so deceptive towards the end and you lied to me about those type of things... I knew it was over that night.

I didn't like your bedroom... You had been planning on decorating it since I met you, you'd been planning lots of things actually... but it looked exactly the same the day I walked out... even the cobweb in the corner.

When I was looking for my runners under your bed, I saw one of the Valentines gifts that I had given you... the hanging picture frames... still in it's packaging, thrown under your bed. That hurt.

I am hotter and you know it! Hah! Just thought I'd throw in a bit of shallowness there cause I can and it made me laugh!

I am also more sensitive, nicer, kinder, copped on, honest, mature, intelligent and possibly even funnier! :O

You were an asshole.

You defended random strangers over me... and chose your housemates over me (choosing to go off with them and not invite me or to put me 'on hold' on the phone while you talked to them about their latest immature drama)... yet you bitched about them constantly...

That video that you showed me of you... the one where you say to your friends that "I'm kind, funny... pretty!"... that's the person that I fell for... I really miss her. You weren't her at the end.

They only want you when they can't have you

Always!!!!! Always happens to me... so frustrating.

I'm upset, lonely, sad, missing one person and someone that I was previously upset over contacts me... cept I'm no longer interested cause I've moved on (to be upset about someone else!!!!) FUCK! Does that come across like I'm screaming it, cause I want to!

They want me when they can't have me... they didn't want me when they had the option... fucking women. 

Say something or don't say anything at all!

I don't know why I feel so sad today... I was getting over things for a few weeks, wasn't thinking about her and didn't have the time to either. Today, however, I feel heartbroken. Last weekend, I started to miss her again and I hadn't really missed her in a few weeks. Last weekend though, I just wanted, needed a hug. Sunday evening I was looking at a tv show that we used to watch together and I thought of her. Sunday night, I was lying in bed thinking about her and my phone went off... You know when you just know who it's going to be that texted you? Yeah, I was right... "Hi" ... yes, that was the entire contents of the text message. "Hi" ... no, not even any punctuation! FUCK OFF! What a f*cking mind-fuck. Leave me alone if that is all you have to say to me. If you cared about me you'd either say something meaningful or you'd leave me alone. Let me be free. What's the point of contacting me now... Someone thought you'd started to regret your decision, change your mind, have second thoughts... Someone else thought that you were trying to initiate the contact again.. either way, grow a pair! Say something or don't say anything at all! Typical, that you would try to get me to make the effort, even now... was it always like that?!? God, I must have been such a sucker if that was the case. Don't put yourself out there at all... coward. Selfish, immature, empty, cold, hi. That irritated me and then I didn't miss you any more. This weekend though I find myself thinking about you again... Was it the hi? Is that all it took to put you back in my mind, a hi? I missed you Friday night, I missed you yesterday, I miss you now...