J texted me today. I woke up at maybe 6 or 7 am... it was still dark and I've been waking up so early the past 2 weeks. I've stopped checking the time to see how early... 6 or 7 am on a Sunday... 6 or 7am during the weekend... what happened to my lie-in? Today was different though... Today I didn't think about her as much. Today I wasn't as hurt, angry, lonely... and today I made myself not over-think or over-analyse every word, touch, action, feeling, expression... But it didn't last.
I got up around 10.30am and brought the dogs for a walk. I got angry.
"Anger is an emotional state that may range from minor irritation to INTENSE RAGE. The physical effects of anger include increased heart rate, blood pressure, and levels of adrenaline and noradrenaline. Some view anger as part of the FIGHT or FLIGHT BRAIN RESPONSE to the PERCEIVED THREAT of PAIN. Anger becomes the PREDOMINANT FEELING behaviorally, cognitively and physiologically when a person makes the CONSCIOUS CHOICE to take action to immediately STOP the THREATENING BEHAVIOR of ANOTHER outside force."
So I shouted! My emotional state was one somewhere between minor irritation and intense rage... perhaps major irritation and minor rage? Fight or flight? Well I tried to fight but I didn't have the energy to fight for the both of us, so I flew... My brain response to the perceived threat of pain? To snap at someone else that didn't deserve it. My predominant feeling right then... pissed off. But it didn't immediately stop any threatening behavior... what did it do? It did some bad - It hurt someone else, for which I felt bad and I later apologised. And it did some good - I got something off my chest. Then I went home, I made a conscious choice to not continue being angry, I got ready to go out and then I got upset.
I wiped away the tears and drove away, my eyeliner smudged on my face. Driving makes me feel free... I can't be angry when I'm driving. If I was angry I'd crash... If I crashed I'd hurt myself and possibly others... I'd cause PAIN... so I calmed down. I got to where I was going and when the person that I was meeting wasn't yet there, I checked my phone... 1 new text message received. It was from her.
And what has she got to say to me? What will my reaction be? Am I happy to hear from her? Hopeful? Or just pissed off again? Why is she contacting me? Is she curious? Does she still care? Does she still want me? Or is it just for her own selfish reasons? Is it for her ego? Is it genuine? Do I even really care right now? I've already been angry and hurt so far today and it's only 1.15pm. Pah.. Her words don't really say much but did they ever? Her text message doesn't require a response so I don't reply. Would I usually do this? No... But once I can't trust someone anymore, once they have chosen deception over honesty, I put myself first and I don't care what the 'right' thing is, or the politically correct thing to do is or what other people will think... I've got nothing to prove. If I replied would that make her feel good, better, less guilty perhaps? That's not my responsibility...
I got on with my day and I had a good day, it was sunny, I like the sun. I played my game and I won. I drove home, I sat outside and read in the sun... I found some peace. I read an article about Pink! I like Pink... In the article she said that "Anger is the most necessary emotion". She thinks that, if expressed and communicated right then and there, and in the right way, anger is the most healthy feeling or action you can take.
What does it mean that I got angry? It means that I felt something. It means that there was passion there, at least on my part. Did I hurt anyone by being angry today? Yes. Did I hurt anyone terribly? No. We ended up having a good talk and they got over it. I chose not to take things out on them again. They're my support network afterall and I shouldn't blame them for anything that has happened to me.
What exactly has happened to me?
"While most of those who experience anger explain its arousal as a result of "what has happened to them," psychologists point out that an angry person can be very well mistaken because anger causes a loss in self-monitoring capacity and objective observability."
Ok, so I experienced a temporary loss in self-monitoring capacity and objective observability. I couldn't help it. When emotions are involved, is it possible to self-monitor and observe objectively? Perhaps somewhat but this isn't exactly a science.
"Due to humans' capacity to imagine the distant future, the threat of pain can also arise purely from the imagination, and not be based on anything happening in the immediate present."
We broke up this day two weeks ago. On that day I imagined the future... I imagined not waking up next to her anymore. I imagined not being able to talk to her when I wanted to, not being able to be there for her or her for me and having to someday see her with someone else... someone that wasn't me. Sure at the point in time that I was imagining all of these things, I was the one that had just woken up next to her but I felt that that may be the last time. I felt pain. I'm proud though, not that this is about pride... I talked to her and I cried and I got a little angry but I didn't say anything to hurt her deeply and I didn't lose it. I maintained control and after a few hours, when there was nothing left to say, she hugged me and I left. I didn't look back on the way out the door.
"Modern psychologists view anger as a primary, natural, and mature emotion experienced by all humans at times, and as something that has functional value for survival... Uncontrolled anger can however negatively affect personal or social well-being."
In other words, I got angry enough to survive. I was necessarily angry but not uncontrollably angry. Is anger the most necessary emotion? I don't think so because that means that it is more necessary than all of the other emotions, some of which were also necessary for me today. Anger isn't the most necessary emotion but it certainly is necessary.
