Faking it?

Intimacy, that is.

I keep thinking back over that conversation we had on our first 'official' date. We'd just come out of the cinema and we were flirting with each other. Then we had that conversation in Eddie Rockets (while drinking tea on a Sunday night at 1am). I hadn't even wanted to really meet you again and I felt like what's the point going into town that night in the cold January rain. But I got ready and went in anyway... what's the harm, you seemed like a nice girl, we seemed to have things in common and it seemed like it was a good idea to get to know you better and give it a chance. But it was the conversation in Eddie Rockets that made me want to see you again. You know, one of those conversations where you feel like yeah, we clicked, we're on the same page. So we laughed, we shared and I wanted to get to know you even better. That conversation made me want to see you again. It's funny though, that some of the precise things we talked about that night are some of the reasons why we split up in the end, don't you think? Do you have to fake it in order to make it or are you better off alone?

Sometimes no matter how much it hurts, it's better to be alone than to fake it. At the end of the day, if you are in a bad relationship, you are alone anyway. And as my father has always said, you're better off on your own than in a bad one.

The day that we split up I said "I know this isn't perfect but it's real." Was it? I doubt myself now... Do I doubt that because it wasn't real or do I doubt that because you weren't really in it? Or do I doubt that because maybe I wasn't fully in it too? Why didn't I know that at the time?  Why don't I know now? What I do know is that I felt pretty miserable the past few months in our relationship and if I went back I'd only be going back for more of the same, probably worse... I felt insecure, I felt uncomfortable, I felt like I couldn't talk to you anymore and you had completely closed off from me. I felt needy, I felt like I needed to see you nearly all of our spare time, I felt on edge, I felt like I was waiting to be disappointed, I knew that you were lying to me and that you weren't really being open or up-front with me. So I stopped calling you on your shit to try and avoid another row... Why should someone have to call you on your shit in the first place? You liked that about me when we first met... I felt like you resented me towards the end. There were so many things that I wanted to tell you that I couldn't. There still are but what's the point now. Were we really just faking it?